My social fears

The first time I heard it this weekend it was just an annoying nagging that I had heard too many time before from my mother, well more of just since I got to college. The second time I heard it I got angry. I got angry enough that I wrote my entire paper that I had been putting off the entire day - and doing homework like that is definitely something to be noted. But then I thought how could I get this upset about the basic truth when I had just spent time at a church sponsored event kicking off a dvd lesson series all about truth? How could I even call myself a Christian without even reflecting on the root of the problem, the real reason why I was so hurt by these comments? I couldn't, so I thought about and came up with theories. And here they go right after you get to know what I was even upset about in the first place.
I am not an extrovert. Introversion could practically be called a second language for me. I know it and accept it that I am shy and have to get to know someone before I open up at all and tell anything personal. Then people cannot get me to shut up and I talk a mile a minute and can be loud and even exciting on occasion. So what gives people the right to tell me that I need to be more socially involved that I need more social interaction? Tell me what! At first I furiously screamed inside my head - NOTHING, absolutely freaking nothing gives them the right to say this. For one, my mother, case one, never cared about my lack of social things in high school. Never. She never had to deal with me saying that I was going to a party on a Friday night and seeing if I needed to be grounded for breaking curfew (which probably never would have happened). Sure, she felt bad for me when my "friends" broke plans with me or when the incident hellish incident of my senior year took place and my closest friendships were torn apart being exposed for what they really were - completely false. But I can never remember her saying that I needed to branch out more and do fun and crazy things that I would probably blush to tell my kids one day. So what gives her the right to say I have to get involved more in college? Now all of a sudden I am supposed to have the social life I never had in high school? How does that work out?
Case two, the roommate. (Roommate: If you ever read this I do loves you :) ) She comes back to the dorm after being absent as usual for the weekend and I start to vent about my mother and she agrees with her. She points out things in my day to day life and says I do need more social interactions. The first thing that popped into my head was a hateful thought about how could she say that. Sure, she might speak to the people around her in class but when she gets back from class she usually makes fun of these idiots in her class or these people that won't leave her alone. What kind of interaction is that?! But it was about here in my thoughts that I realized something fundamental. I do NEED more social, I just don't WANT it, because deep down inside I am scared of it. (Note: This came during my furious thoughts minutes after the roomie discussion where I cut her off saying I did not want this lecture and she complied. I then proceeded to be completely silent and not make the usual comments I do when she laughed or cussed at something on her computer. Maybe this is why she eventually asked me about my weekend and such to which I did not give really decent answers. Who know?)
So how can someone be scared of being more social, why would someone be scared of it? Simple. Too many bad experiences with it in the past. I look at other people who will be talking online to someone who they miss so badly from home and be so excited about it, and I kind of want to cry because I do not have a person who I miss like that from home. There is no youth pastor back home that I revere and feel like i could email with any problem I was facing at school. The only one I ever liked towards that point ending up having an affair with the older married sister of one of the kids in the youth group and ended up leaving the church. The one for the youth group I attend on the rare occasion that I am home on a Wednesday night I have found too many issues with. My "best" friend from home I have not talked to sine like July when she cancelled plans with me to hang out after having not seen me the whole summer while I was in Peru. I still have her birthday present.
I don't want to open myself up to any more people just o be dropped by them or be back stabbed. I am sick of rejection and just the word makes me sick to my stomach as I think of each time I have been rejected and the feelings overwhelm me. I know I need to meet more people, even just more at church who I will actually hang out with and be edified by. But, no. I keep to myself and feel quite lonely and depressed at being lonely when my tiny circle of friends is not around for me to be with. I look out the window and see programs going on for the residents and refuse to join because I might look ridiculous - something that I avoid at all costs. My psychology teacher called it a high fear of failure and that is about right. What if I do get up the guts to join in and make a fool of myself? What is they don't end up liking me once they get to know me? What if they don't even want to get to know me? I am bound by such paralyzing fear of judgment that I will not act or speak even when I most desire. One friend commented on it walking back from the church program where there had been a small group discussion at the end. She laughed remembering how whenever I spoke my whole body turned red. Thank goodness no one else pays as close attention to me as she does. But that is just it. I am so scared of messing up that I miss out. I know it and it tears me up inside but I am just not to the point yet where I have been able to let go and trust God enough to dive into His arms for better or worse. I need to. I know that. I am working on it. I am just scared and don't really have anybody to help take this fear away - that might require meeting and opening up to a new person. How ironic. A fear that cannot be solved because of fear.