Only the Trigger Left to Pull...

What else is there left for me to say or feel that I haven't in these past few days? I feel a void where there should be something, but yet after having it torn from me I cannot stop and think whether it is even worth filling again with what was once there. After all, the wound might be opened up again and I might be tossed aside in a cruel game of winning and losing that I am pulled into when not a part of, and yet still manage to be the loser. Was it so worth it to be the victor? Everything said has said otherwise. It has said that we should all just work together, win together, lose together and not go against each other. Beautiful words with empty meaning. There can be no meaning derived even from the greatest of words and speeches if the one saying them has no true attachment. What does it matter if you can make yourself sound like the victim in every case if you do so while still trampling over another victim? It doesn't and that is the problem. The perception of who is right and who is wrong just does not matter if no one is willing to take blame. If the finger is always pointed away from ourselves. Friendship cannot happen if we can never take responsibility for our actions or the pain we have inflicted on others, even if it was unintentional. It does not matter if you did not mean for it to happen this way. It did. It is now the past. It is not going to change. And if no one will face the consequences it will taint the future for everyone else.
All I have been hearing is what I have done wrong. It is just you, you, you. You did this. You should have done that. You messed everything up. I did do some things wrong, but I did some things right too. What happened to those? Did they disappear? Are they covered up now that you have gotten what you wanted? Did you do nothing? Is it not unfair to think that we are linked by esp and that I know what you expect of me at all times and all situations? I said I am sorry for how things played out. I said it many times. But now I see that it will have to be said many more times and i will have to play a scapegoat if I ever want my own pain to go away, the pain that you have made worse. I will not say sorry any more. I have said it so much and yet you could never even muster a simply apology not once. Not one time. is it because you do not see what you have done to me? I will show you.
I do not show my feelings on the outside. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable because too many have taken advantage of me in the past. Too many people have called themselves friends and revealed themselves otherwise after it was too late. I never thought of you like that. I never thought of you as a sore loser or winner. I always had faith in you that knew when you were right and when you were wrong. But now I see that maybe I was wrong all along. Now I am hurting like I have in the past, but this time seems worse. I sit by myself and run over what happened, I ask others for advice and yet the pain has not stopped. The tears have filled me inside yet my eyes will not release them. You have beaten me down with your words and your actions, and yet you still take action to trample me more. I have thought so long and hard and prayed and cried out to God but yet I cannot do anything else. I am hurt. It feels like you stabbed a knife through my back and then turned around before I could recover and drove it again through my heart.
I refuse to stoop to the level and try to hurt you back. I don't think I could do the same back when feeling like I do about all this. I can't see how it has all become my fault and mine alone. I have blame, but not all of it. I am sorry for ever letting myself be involved. But at least I can hold my head up high when it feels like I cannot hold the tears back any longer. You know why? because no matter how much I tried to help you and make everyone happy, no matter what faults I ended up having when we were found out - and we would have been eventually - I never lied. I always refused that one action that you asked of me from the start. Because what can you say of a person whose word is not the law that they live by? You can say nothing. You cannot trust them not to hurt you in the end. And though you may feel different about me and my statement and say that I have hurt you, at least you were told at the beginning that if it came down to it I would not lie. You said alright, but apparently I just fell for the lie.
Enjoy the victory - I hope it was worth it.