Misery's Company

I must say that I disagree with the statement that misery loves company. Why on earth would I want company in my misery? That would only lead to me being more miserable as that miserable friend with me would take over the conversation and it would be all about how they are feeling like it always ends up being. Honestly, why do you think I am miserable. Bingo. That's part of it. Friends come and go. I realize this but I am beginning to believe that I will never have any friends that will stay for a lifetime. Why should I when most all of my friendships turn sour after 2-3 years? I seem to be that steady person that people just come to and talk to about their problems and ask for my advice and blah blah blah. It is hardly ever a vice versa kind of deal. Don't get me wrong. I love giving advice and helping other people. I have even considered becoming a counselor. But that is not the point. The point is that in everything i feel used and discarded and if I ever try to stand up for myself then I get yelled at, tossed to the side and my heart torn apart once again. Misery. That seems synonymous with my life right now. My misery requires only one companion - the darkest companion of them all who I cannot have. I do not know whether I hold to the metaphor and imagery of death as a male or a female but I do believe in death as a sort of companion in a sense. A woman could work for the grace and poise and also how women tend to be the worst at just turning on a person and taking their life away. Yet men should also get credit as a sex. It seems nearly ever man who has ever been in my life has broken pieces of me and run me down with games and disappointment to the point where I hardly feel alive anymore and numbness seems the only escape. Either way. It is hard to say how long i have longed for death as the companion to my misery. In any case it has never been given to me. Some times the thoughts can consume me but God has never seen fit to grant it to me. Yes, I do feel guilty for wishing my life away in such a literal sense but that is where I have come to in my life. Every other day seems a new misery. Some days are wonderful and i feel so blessed and filled with life and thankful to try again. But then those dark days are back and the most I can ask for is some kind of release, generally I must recede into my mind and just sleep away the pain as best as I can. It sometimes works, but never for good. I worry that this will never get better and that I will continue to have to fight each day for the will to carry on and try to make myself and my surroundings better. It kind of makes me laugh that I am even writing this for no one to read. I suppose it is to let it out. At least I am not fighting back tears anymore, so maybe I do not need that dark companion to my misery. At least I can feel that way for right now. Maybe it will last at least through tomorrow to make the start of my 22nd year a little more hopeful.