Conviction & Detestation

I am ready to throw in the towel. I am tired of failing and then feeling terrible that my actions and words do not match up to those of a Christian. Yet, part of me detests the people who seem to almost rub it in my face that I am not setting a good example all the time for my faith. So now I am at a moot point - I am convicted of poor behavior that is not exemplary of Christ and am now left once again disliking myself. Why is it always like this? Will this ever change? I just do not think that I can carry on much longer like this. My heart already feels like pieces have been torn away from it to the point that I wonder if I will ever be able to give my heart to anyone again. And to top it all off I really just want to stop feeling. People say it is bad to live life numb to emotion, but at this point I want to live a life devoid of emotions. The consuming sadness, anger and sting of rejection; the elation of a crush right before it crushes you, the feeling of worthlessness every time I fail. I want it to all go away. If I feel no anger and sadness anymore then maybe I can at least glide through the rest of my hopefully short life without hurting either myself or someone else ever again. What a miracle that would be!
Apparently I do need to be around people that are more edifying to me and my spiritual walk. People who judge others too quickly and have bad language are not the people I need to be around. So why on earth am I being drawn to them?! These are the people I am drawn to as my friends, as the guys I like and the people that entertain me. Every time I tell myself that I am going to do better and edify myself and grow closer to my wonderful Saviour all I do is land flat on my face making a mess of things. What kind of Christian am I if I cannot even do anything right like being nice to everyone or even remembering to read my Bible daily? This is so frustrating! I hate to cry because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable which is not something I like, but right now all I want to do is cry. I want to bawl my eyes out until there are no more tears inside me. Then maybe I can curl up into a little ball and wilt away never to bother anyone again.
Yet this is not even the attitude that I am supposed to have. I just want to be able to do one thing right! Yet even when I am trying to gt it figured out I manage to screw up! What is wrong with me?! I cannot get along with my sister like I should be able to, I dislike my parents most of the time, I treat people poorly though I know it is wrong and i place myself in situations that I know I am going to get hurt in yet do it anyway and get upset about it later. I should be able to just be patient and wait on God's timing. But no. I rush into things head first, think that I might be something special for a minute or two and then when I am taken down off my pedestal I feel like dirt. It is no wonder that I am the way I am now when I behave like this. I am insecure about my physical appearance - constantly worrying over my weight with dieting and trying to exercise. Then when I do not do well with exercising I curse it all and get depressed again. I desire to be genuine and appreciated for me, yet I just go sarcastic and teasing and run people away. Saddest part is I only tease those I care about most or those who I care about and feel that I should not. Its like I think that if i like a guy who I know I shouldn't I can just be a little cruel to him and he will just hate me like he probably already did to begin with and leave me be. Of course, I am only completely belittling myself in this and sometimes I just want the person more.
Am I ever going to learn? Will I ever completely give the reins over to God? I do not want control anymore since I have proved to myself that all I do is screw myself up worse. I just pray that God will wrap me in His arms once more and heal my broken spirit that I have let get mangled up in the flesh. I want to hand over all my vulnerability and be free of inhibitions that are born out of the fear of man. For if my God is for me, then who shall be against me? He gave me gifts and they should be used - I can't just keep locking it all up in a box afraid of judgement by others. If they do not appreciate then whatever. My Father will and that should and hopefully will be all that matters to me. His approval. His mark upon my life. The race is still to be run, I cannot quit now.