Hello New Year - Goodbye Old Me?

I have never counted myself in the group of people that pointlessly makes new year's resolutions that they hold to for 3 weeks and then give up on until the next year. It makes no sense to me. As I was thinking about this in my current mood it occurred to me that maybe there is an underlying reason why I do not make resolutions besides I think that they are silly. Maybe I have such a high fear of failing in life in general that if I make a resolution and fail at it after a couple of weeks I will just feel more worthless than I usually do. Yet, what if I set out to do something this year. What if I truly tried to improve and to say goodbye to the me that I have grown to dislike? If I do not succeed, then at least I could say that I gave my all, right?
These past few months have been some of the hardest for me. They have been a culmination of problems and issues that finally just burst inside of me. I am not an open person. Trusting another person is the hardest thing for me since it is like handing over the keys to my emotions and becoming completely vulnerable. That is not a feeling I like. I have been hurt too many times by other people and i cannot stand to be vulnerable and let someone else have the opportunity and the means to influence me in any way. That's probably a main reason why I have never had a completely successful relationship - and dating relationships are just a daydream to me at this point.
It is the first day of classes, but I am already overwhelmed with these thoughts swirling around in my head. I am tired of being scared and not ever letting myself go. I want to be able to open myself up and feel free to be me instead of hiding behind a fake smile that is supposed to disguise everything I am feeling inside. It is so hard to try to be strong and to trust other people to help me through these hard times when I everything seems like it is crumbling around me and on the inside I am just sick of feeling anything because it is usually pain that I am feeling. I cannot say that I am blameless in this pain. That would be a lie. I open myself up to hurt by desiring what I cannot have. I know that there is no possibility and my head rationalizes that it must stop now but my heart longs for what it does not have and what it has wanted for so long. So, in the end I end up disappointed once again and it is all my fault. And that makes it all the harder to deal with.
But I don't want it to be like this. I know it doesn't have to be like this. The tears that are always fighting to come pouring out of my eyes as I think of what I long for and all the burdens that are pushing me down that just won't leave me alone never seem to go away. Its like the Superchick song, and i am the girl who is too scared to show the emotion because I just know that once I start I will not be able to stop. Expressing emotions is important, this I know, yet how can I express them when I feel that my medium of expression might be shot down by those around me? Why must I have these fears? Why can't I let them go? Why can't I just pull it together and feel whole again - if I ever was whole? I don't have the answers but I desire them. I know I will keep making some mistakes but I pray to God for the strength that I need to let go and trust in Him. I just know that He will not let me down and I need to get over the fear of letting Him down cause that is just a lost cause being human and all.
I fear failure. I fear not being able to be healed. I fear giving trust away even when I need to. I fear continuing to feel lonely and consumed by depression. I fear not be able to take the steps to happiness and contentment in what time I might have left here on the earth. But through these fears i know that this is the year, this is the time for me to take a chance and risk failure. It is a new year, a new day to make resolutions towards letting go of the old me that is holding me back. I don't want to lose myself and who I am, but I do want to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that there is always a silver lining. So, now it is up to me to do the hardest thing to make this resolution go through - I need to trust myself.